Grown Up? I Hate It

hello guys, I'm back :3 it's been a while since the last post isn't it? I already made a few post but, it's never done, and here I am trying to make another new post, smart am I? lol. anyhow, guys, I've been really down this week. I look at my grade and I just want to vomit all over the place. I'm afraid to show my grade to my dad, he will be very very mad. this grade things is really make me insane. I'm trying to think forward. and just afraid. you know, the truth is, I'm scared of being grown ups. I'm not ready for work, for married, for having a children, for having my own family. I'm afraid.

for work, example, my grades start from elementary school until I'm in colleage is never good. science, social, anything. plus, I'm color blind, I can't go to things like be a designer or painter. I just can go to study languange and economic things. I'm not interested in this 2 subject. all I want is to be a designer, but my religion is kinda banned it. I'm not like my father, he have some strong will. my father was very dicipline. once he struggle with his work because of color blind. yes, my father was color blind too. but then he rise and became success. my father look at me and think that his story was same to me. I was probihited to go to science cause I'm a color blind. so my dad wants me to go to accounting. so here I am. but my grade in here are worst than ever. I will make my dad dissapointed. I still can't find my talent, my gift. something that I can doing it right. I'm afraid that I can't get a aproriate job for me and for my family.

for married things. ah even my love life before married is really mess if I can said. I'm easy to fall in love with someone. not with her face, but with her attitude towards me. but if I already have a girlfriend, if she's treat me right, then "I'll be yours", I will not search for the other if she's treat me right. but the thing is I'm very possesive person, I'm afraid if no one can accept my flaw. I'm having a girlfriend currently. we dated for a couple of weeks ago. I don't know if we're gonna last until we married or not. she's telling me that maybe at some point, she will try to find another man, maybe the stranger one. nothing is certain. yes it is. let's just hope for the best for us, melamin. but if this relationship is fail again, maybe I will not search for another woman again in a long time. I'm tired. that's why I wish that this relationship is can last long. I'm afraid to the married things, afraid if my future wife is just like my ex. I'm sorry but I'm very possesive and she can't accept that.

and for the children. you know, I never can get along with kids. I just hate it. they are very noisy when they're crying. but when they're quiet and obedient, I love them. I have a neighbor which have a kid. this kid is driving me insane. he keep yelling her father in the day and the night. and she always crying. spoiled kid. make me want to smack her head with a baseball bat. so noisy. when my relations are coming to my house, and they bring their kids, usually I just keep silent in the corner and watch them play. it's my big bro who can play with them. my big bro can easily interact with that kids. I can't. that's why I hate kids :s

all this thing is make me afraid being a grown ups. I'm 19 years old right now. not so near to all thisthing, I know, but still..