Dear, “dr. river song”
Your answer was something I didn’t suspect
yesterday. To be honest, I was just messing with my mind the night when I
typing that post, with no feeling to hurt you whatsoever. But yesterday morning
was quite a shock. I feel sad, yet angry in the same time. Your words are so
sharp like a thousand of arrows stabbing my chest in the middle of war (halah,
halah). With that super complicated feeling, I was trying to stop thinking
about you. I was forcing myself with something I never done before. So, after I
realize that today I had a test, I’m going to my university’s library
yesterday. I spent, hmm, I think 5 hours in there alone just for study today’s
small test. In the morning, on the bus heading to the library, I tweet “domo arigatou” for you
for this complicated feeling. After that, I log out from every social media
that I have, Facebook, twitter, instagram. I erase Line app on my phone, and
even turn off the Internet network so I couldn’t see my BBM updates.
My stomach was really hurt yesterday cause
I’m going to campus with no breakfast. I didn’t eat or drink anything yesterday’s
morning. Just want to be alone studying for today, so I go to my campus’s
library as fast as I could. But in the end, I gave up to my stomach then I went
home after being alone for almost 5 hours. When I get home, I ate my lunch then
sleep for a while. On the night, I locked myself in my room; I turn on my
MacBook so I could surf on the net for a while. What I mean to do is open
Google translate for helping me with my study, yet I end up open twitter, blog,
instagram, and facebook -__-“ I really forget about my study last night. How
stupid of me. I realize that it’s already 9 pm, so I stop surfing, then open my
book to study again. With the help from my afternoon’s sleep (or “siesta” what
I usually call it), I stay awake until 12 pm, then, I fall asleep.
Today’s morning, I’m apologizing to you. I
don’t like it when I’m fighting with someone’s close to me, my family, you, my
best friends. Then I’m off to take the test. All those 5 hours I spent on
library while holding my stomach was not wasted, I’m pretty confident with my
answers. And it’s all thanks to you, haha. Even though it’s just a small test
and I don’t know the results yet, but still, thanks a lot.
Maybe you right, I’m momma’s boy for this
whole time. It’s mixing up. I don’t know which one is worse, apart from your
best friends, came to a town which is completely strange to you, shock culture,
shock with your plans is ruined twice (my dream for being graphic designer it’s
from I’m still on junior high school first year, and I was “what the fuck I
can’t be designer??” when my parents told me that I can’t be one). Back to the
day when my parents talk to me to start living here, I’m the only one who refuses
that idea. I really love being there. Even though I’m living in the side of
Jakarta, I’m happy there. I’ve got a lot of friends back there. So it’s really
hard to me. I’m trapped in my past and I can’t move on. You sure know that I’m
trying to contact my friends, but they are too busy now. I can’t talk to them
like I used to be.
I can’t find a friend that I can share
anything on here. I have friends here of course, but I’m really picky about a
friend that I can share my stories. So now, whenever, I have some problem, I
just keep it for myself (and sometimes I wrote it down on my blog, or twitter).
Back there, I share anything with my friends and my girlfriend. And it’s gotten
worse by me feeding up by drama or romance film that shows perfect couple sharing
each other thoughts. That’s why I’m asking you and my second ex to always be
there for me.
But it’s just my imagination. You are
right. I can’t be always like a kid. I can’t always live in my past. I gotta
move, make my own path so my parents would be happy. Even though I’m still
wondering if I could do it, haha. So, what I want to say on this post is, it
turns out that I need someone’s to slap me sometimes. To yell at me “don’t just
stand there and do nothing! Make your move!” or something like that. To reminds
me that I’m not a kid anymore. To simply it, I need you. I need you to do that
for me. I don’t know what’s your intention saying that a hurtful thing to me
yesterday, but I take that as a “wake up slap”. So thanks.
I’m sorry for the trouble that I cause
lately. For your cry, for your furious, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a burden
to you. I’m sorry for everything. I hope I won’t ask you anything anymore; I
just want you to be with me, that’s all. If you can’t or don’t want to meet me,
that’s okay, I’m completely understand it. Lemme be the guy who’s on your
thought sometimes. I completely okay and understand if you’re busy. I’ll wait
you like Romanian Rory wait for Amy when Amy trapped. I’ll just wait until
you’re free again. I’m sorry for everything, dear.
P.S. : Please be gentle with your words
next time, cheers..
Love
ya
From
your fake doctor who
