I Love You, Grandma :""

today, I've lost someone I love so much. my grandma. my grandma is the reason of me moving here from jakarta. now grandma is gone, I just don't know, I'm so fucking sad. so fucking fucking sad. my dad is the youngest brother from his family. and my dad love grandma so much that he decided to move here from jakarta. we live near grandma's house, just a few blocks from there. every morning, my mom goes there and ask grandma if she needs something to cook and my mom will bought it in the market. every morning. if the weekend comes, in the morning, dad and mom will together go there paying grandma a visit. and because our house is the nearest from grandma, grandma always call us every time she have some leftover food. sometimes I'm the one who go there, sometimes my big bro. and because our house is near, whenever mom and dad go somewhere for couples of week, me and big bro ask grandma whether we can eat together in her house, 'cause me and big bro can't cook. and because our house is the nearest from grandma's house, every time we had some big family vacation of going somewhere, my grandma's always in our car. but now, grandma was gone. god, I'm so fucking sad :"""

***

it's all started on thursday, when I was heading home from watching a movie with big bro, my mom ask me to go to grandma's house. I wonder why. when I got there at 7 pm, mom, dad and his brothers and sisters is already there. they all are surround grandma. grandma was not moving, she's lay down in the bed, hardly breath. her body was warm. she's not opening her eyes. I was stunned seeing grandma like that. I see my dad was stand still there beside grandma, his eyes is some kind of blurry, like about to cry, but he's not crying. I'm trying to help dad, I bought some food for him, I read the holy qur'an for just in case. we remain silence waiting for a doctor came to grandma's house until dad ask me to go home cause he know that I've got morning class for tomorrow. so I went home.

friday morning, mom and big bro rushing into hospital, that time I know my grandma's condition is got worse so grandma was brought into the hospital thursday night. I can't pay grandma's visit 'cause my schedule is tight for yesterday. and I thought that I'll go to hospital saturday noon (well, I thought :'( ) . this morning, at 8 am, my stomach is hurt, I need to go to bathroom. so after I make a coffee, I go to bathroom. while I finish my job in the bathroom, my big bro banging on the door calling my name. I was upset and yelled "JUST LEMME FINISH THIS!!" and soon after I came out, I ask my big bro what the hell is happened, he say "grandma is dead" and there I'm standing in front of bathroom, with no pants, stunning, like struck by lightning in the midday, shock that my grandma was gone. without further ado, I said to big bro "come on, to the hospital! now!!!!" and my big bro said "you need to take a bath first, stupid" and I was rushing back to the bathroom for take a bath.

but after that, my mom text me that I don't need to go to hospital, just go to grandma's house to prepare the funeral. after a while, dad text me to pick him up in my house. but after I arrive, my dad saying that we will go there at 1 pm. and then mom and big bro came home. after we finish eating lunch we go to the grandma's house together. I was sitting right beside my grandma's head. she's lying there. cold. and that time I was going to burst :" it's just so fucking sad seeing grandma lay down there with a fabric covered up her body :''' after I'm finishing my pray, my dad ask me whether I want to see grandma's face, I just simply say no thanks. 'cause if I see grandma's face, I'm sure that I'll cry again. and so we wait until ashar came and we will buried grandma after we done praying.

adzan. ashar came. before grandma carried outside, my dad ask me again to look into grandma's face for the last time, okay, I'll see it, the I see grandma's face for the last time. cold. grandma's face was so pale, her eyes is closing, with cottons in her nostrils, grandma is sleeping forever :'' that time I was really can't hold this feeling anymore. my tears drops like a heavy rain. I stepped outside, waiting everyone bring grandma outside. I could see my big bro is about crying too after he seen grandma's face for the last time. well, I never seen him crying. then, grandma is carried outside. there's a moment before we start walk heading to mosque, someone from our family giving a 'talk' in the street, right before we start walking. in the end, he will ask anyone if my grandma was a nice person or a bad person. three times. and I was like "just finish this thing off, bastard, I can't cry anymore, not here, not now" but that time I was already crying (again, oh for god sake, I'm crying 3 times within 3 hours! fvck), with no sound of course. after done praying in the mosque, me, big bro, dad, and everyone, escort grandma's to her final resting place. good bye grandma, I'll always love you :''

***

I'm thinking about the last time I'm going to grandma's house and seeing grandma sat in her old chair in the living room, with smile on her face seeing me came. but I can't remember exactly when. my eyes got blurry every time I think about that. I'm holding my tears while typing this post actually. shame. man must not crying, yet I'm crying. I'm just really sad that my grandma's gone :'''''''' now you will never know, but I'll always love you grandma :'(